"Uh, Amanda Huggenkiss?" "Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Ah, why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss?"
"Maybe your standards are too high!"-Barney
"You little S.O.B.!Why, when I find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs
in your butt!"
"Uh, is I.P. Freely here?" "Hey everybody, I.P. Freely! Wait a minute...Listen you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you
you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!"
"Uh, Jaques Strap!" "Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jaques Strap!Oh, wait a minute...Jacques strap? It's you, isn't it, ya
cowardly little runt? When I get ahold of you, I'm gonna gut you like a fish and drink your blood!"
"Hey, is there a Seymour Butz here?" "Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I wanna Seymour Butz! Oh, wait a minute...Listen, you
little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!"
"Mike Rotch!" "Mike Rotch! Hey, has anyone seen Mike Rotch lately? Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days I'm
going to catch you and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!"
"Ivana Tinkle?" "Ivana Tinkle? All right, everybody, put down your glasses, Ivana Tinkle!"
"Oliver Clothesoff!" "Call for Oliver Clothesoff! Listen, you lousy bum, if I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut
your belly open!"
"Oh, so, your looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name Waylon, is it? Listen to me, you, when I catch you, I'm gonna
pull out your eyes and stick'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay? Then I'm gonna use you
tongue to paint my boat!"
"Eura Snotball?" "What? How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!"
"Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt!
Oh, wait a minute..."
"Bea O'Problem!" "Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do i have a Bea O'Problem here? Oh...it's you, isn't it? Listen, you. When
I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!"
"Phone call for Al...Al Coholic...is there an Al Coholic here? Wait a minute... Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass,
if I ever find out who you are, I'll kill ya!"
"Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gottabe Homer Sexual!" Homer says "Don't look at me!" "Oh,
no... You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!"
My favorite chalkboard sayings
I will not waste chalk
I will not instigate revolution
Funny noises are not funny
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
They are laughing at me, not with me
The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
I will not fake seizures 
I will not bury the new kid
This punishment is not boring and meaningless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not fake my way through life
I will not Xerox my butt
A burp is not an answer
I am not a 32 year old woman
Teacher is not a leper
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not squeak chalk
I do not have diplomatic immunity
Goldfish don't bounce
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not call the principal "spud head"
I will not carve gods
I will not sleep through my education
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school don't mix
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far 
I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
I am not a lean mean spitting machine
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
I do not have power of attorney over first graders
I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr
I will remember to take my medication
Beans are neither fruit nor musical
"Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
The First Amendment does not cover burping
Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass
your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of
syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother
for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa,
tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your
room.
Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector
blows up)
Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk,
and the fat guy. How I loathe him.
Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.
Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl
Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa:
No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa.
A wonderful, magical animal.
!
Homer: From now on, there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn't
that just the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!
For each question, select the option that best describes your personality then click the Who Am I? button at the
bottom of the page.
